October 8th 2023

I had a terrible night’s sleep. I kept waking every hour or two, haunted by dreams mixed with anxiety and messages about life. One message in particular came through incredibly clearly:

"See life as a series of challenges to overcome; that is the sole purpose of life. Therefore, don’t worry about the bad any longer. You have to fight”.

I've been receiving so many of these vivid messages lately that I wonder if I’m being told something by a deeper energy - a calling, perhaps - or if I’m simply delirious from weeks of poor sleep.

It's been 10 days since I quit my job and when woke this morning, I felt the same weight as before. I know exactly what to do to make myself feel better, but I’m too exhausted to begin. There are so many things I "should" do, but "I just can’t be bothered" and I don’t know where to start. I feel tired…all the time.

There’s a dull soreness behind my eyes, my hair is still falling out and there’s a constant ache throughout my body, especially my lower back, urging me to move. Yet I feel nothing - no desire to even try. It’s as if I’m trapped inside a prison of my own making.

I used to envy other people’s lives, but now I just feel indifferent. I’m sitting here, writing this alone in a cafe. I forced myself to leave the house, but I feel dizzy and my hands are shaking with nerves. At least I don’t struggle to speak anymore, but now my nerves run deep within me - my hair, my trembling hands, my nonexistent self-esteem.

I actually hate myself right now.

I walk with my shoulders slumped, looking down to avoid eye contact. Where have I gone?

Maybe life has just caught up with me. I feel unseen by everyone and maybe the deeper issue is that when I try, I often end up hurt or feeling like a failure. I’m nearly in tears.

I’m constantly at war with myself, but giving up on myself isn’t an option.

I have to "Keep Going".

#MentalHealthMatters #KeepCalmCalavera